The Bully on My Shoulder

This story was originally written in May of 2012. A few tweaks have been made subsequent this posting simply because this author, much like all writers, can never read anything they have previously written without making at least one minor improvement.

I suspect that I am no different than most of you when it comes to the never-ending struggle between good and evil. And I imagine that most of you have similar visions of an innocent little angel perched upon one shoulder while an evil little devil sits atop the opposite shoulder. Well, in my case, it seems more often than not those diminutive characters are replaced with a bully. A bully about the size of your average three year old. As I go about my day, there he is, watching my every movement while ridding piggyback style.

This morning before taking my shower and getting dressed for the day, I decided to take a bike ride. It would be my first of the season. I had no sooner started to pull on my riding shorts and out he came. “Uh, what are you doing?” he said.

“What does it look like I am doing?” I replied. I was already more than a little bit apprehensive. I had had back surgery the previous year – a spinal fusion – and this would be my first time back on the saddle so to speak. Because of my back, I had not ridden at all last year and the nasty spills I had taken the year before were once again fresh on my mind.

Right on cue he said “Looks like it might rain.” That was followed in quick succession with, “That wind sounds awfully strong. What’s the temperature outside anyway? Maybe we should wait until this afternoon. Are you going to wear a short sleeved shirt or a long sleeved shirt? How far are we going to go?”

I finished getting dressed, grabbed a water bottle, and headed out the door. Next I checked the tire pressure, put on my riding gloves and helmet, and walked the bike out of the garage. For a moment, I thought he might have decided to stay in the house. Unfortunately, I no sooner straddled the bike and checked my Garmin when the nagging began once more.

“I told you it was windy. You are not a spring chicken any more you know? How far did you say we are going?” I had barely started down the lane when my left knee started to burn. I glanced at my Garmin – I was 118 feet into my journey. “I told you this was a bad idea,” he said.

I turned left out the lane and headed west. Just as I cleared the tree line, I felt the full force of the wind out of the south. Wow, he was right – that wind is strong, I thought to myself, hoping he wouldn’t ‘go off’ again. A few minutes later, I reached the corner and turned right, putting the wind at my back. “Hey, this isn’t so bad,” he said.

The next mile and half or so went by quickly – too quickly. It was now time to turn left and head west once again. I down shifted a couple gears as another tree line temporarily delayed the inevitable. And, just as expected, “Hey, did you see that flag on that pole? I told you this was a bad idea. Did you hear that wind slapping that flag? Can we go home now?”

For the next mile and a half I began psyching myself up for the next left hand turn. I would be pedaling straight into the wind. Nothing to diminish its force – nothing to silence his pestering. Finally the corner had arrived. I turned left once more and again down shifted a couple more gears.

One saving grace was the wind was so strong that it all but drowned out his whining. In fact, there for a while he must have been blown completely off his perch. Finally, peace at last. Just relax and take it one pedal at a time, I reminded myself.

Suddenly, I felt him pulling himself up the back of my shirt – my long sleeved shirt, in case you were wondering. “I bet we could pretend that we have a flat tire,” he said. “I bet if we start walking, someone will offer us a ride home,” he continued. “I told you this was a bad idea.”

Finally it was time to turn left once more. A couple shifts of the gears and the hard part was behind us – I mean behind me. It would be smooth sailing from here on. Or so I thought.

“Hey, this road sure is bumpy. Isn’t there a dog up here? Hey, I think there are two dogs up here. Do you have a death wish or what? Why are those horses in that field following us? Hey, how can you tell if an electric fence is turned on?”

“Oh gosh, just shot me,” I muttered under my breath. At last, a jog to the left and then back to the right. The journey was almost over. “Hey, I can see our house. I told you this was a good idea,” he said. For once, he was right, it was a good idea. Actually, it was a great idea. And, I might add, it was my idea.

And now it’s time for a shower and who knows, maybe a second breakfast bar. After all, according to my Garmin, I just burned 446 calories. Heck, I might even have a candy bar this afternoon. After all, today I am going to have a great day, no matter what. Today the score is going to be me – one and piggyback riding bully – zero. Some days the bully wins and some days, like today, I win. Whew, I wonder what tomorrow will bring?